Miriam Susan: You're listening to the Catholic Wives with Toxic in Laws podcast. Today is part two of a series I've been doing in the month of March, 2026, all about marital privacy. And today's episode is titled, Is Your Home a Sanctuary from Toxic Family? Hi, I'm Miriam Susan. Welcome to today's episode. Like I said in the intro, this is part two of a series that I've been doing this month in March of 2026, all about privacy in our marriages. And I appreciate those of you who are reaching out and are letting me know that these episodes are really hitting home for you. And so I really appreciate that because sometimes I do feel like I'm talking to the void. ⁓ And to get your feedback tells me that I am on the right path. I am going in the way that God wants me to because I don't just want to talk for no reason. I know somebody might think, know, oh, you're a podcast host. must enjoy hearing the sound of your own voice. No, I don't. I want to make sure that I'm delivering content that is valuable to you, valuable to your family and helps you improve your marriage so that you and your husband and your children and even your toxic family members can get to heaven. So with that being said let's go ahead and dive into today's episode. We're going to start with our scripture reference for today. It is coming from the book of Psalms chapter 101 verse 2 and I highly encourage you to read some of the scripture around this verse because I don't like you know necessarily just cherry picking and picking out verses and not having them be in context. this, the verses that surround this one that I've chosen, verse two in Psalm 101, it's just really good. It's just really good. So I encourage you to read the scriptures around it. But for this episode, we're going to be focusing on these words from the book of Psalms. And it says, I will study the way that is blameless. When shall I attain it? I will walk with integrity of heart within my house. So your home should feel like, of all places, the one place where you can exhale, where you can relax, where you can be your authentic self. But does it? Sometimes in our homes, it feels like our in-laws have this invisible access, whether it's through your husband's phone, whether it's through them dropping in whenever they feel like it, whether it's through our children, whether it's through that spare key that you gave to them just in case you happen to get locked out, but they never returned. That is... a very valid feeling to feel like your home doesn't fully belong to you and to your immediate family. Now, the marital home, according to Catholic teaching, is supposed to be its own household, its own separate family, not an extension of your parents or your in-laws' home. That's not the design of marriage. Marriage is does not mean that when you marry your husband that you now become an extension of your husband's family. Or when your husband marries you that he becomes an extension of your family of origin. No, we become a separate family. But sometimes our physical homes feel like they are an extension of our in-laws. And if by some chance you happen to be one of those couples who for whatever reason are actually living in the same home as your toxic family members, then this is even more so. Just very apparent in your life because if you're living in their home, sometimes you might feel like there is this obligation to have your personal space ⁓ like open access to them that they can go into your room. ⁓ can go into your bathroom that you're using. They can go into your drawers into your closet and snoop around just because it's under their roof. And that's where some boundaries have to come in. That's where you and your husband have to assert your autonomy, ⁓ in a situation where your physical home is not autonomous, but you can say, Mom and Dad, if we're going to live here under your roof, we have to have our own private space where you don't come in. And I will validate that that would be extremely difficult, but is also extremely necessary. And if your parents or your in-laws were healthy, because sometimes we can... You know, justify in our minds like, it's their house and they have a right and even their furniture, this is theirs and they have a right. Let's flip it the other way. If your in-laws or your parents were healthy, then if you made that statement, hey, mom and dad, we need this to be just our space. We need to have this room that is just private for us. They would understand. they would understand. But somehow when we have this toxic dynamic, we can justify their intrusions, their prying, their meddling, their being nosy in our lives because of whatever reason. So I just want to flip that on you that if you are living with your parents or living with your in-laws and they are toxic. or they are unhealthy, they are manipulative, demanding, deceitful, fill in the blank. They're not healthy. that still doesn't give them a right to get all into your business because if it was a healthy dynamic, they would understand. And I really like to take a step back and think about how would I treat and how do we treat our own adult children who are still living in the home with us? And I don't go through my daughter's stuff. I don't. I don't go through her drawers. I don't go through her closet. I don't go through her laundry. I don't do any of those things because that is her space. Yes, it is in my house. Yes, my husband, I pay the mortgage. Yes, we pay the electricity bills. Yes, we cover most of the groceries. But that's their personal space. And it is a violation of them as an autonomous human being, even if they're still living under our house, even if they're still living under our roof. to go in and go through all their stuff. That's not what a healthy relationship looks like. Now if my daughter calls me and says, mom, I need you to go through and I need you to find XYZ in my dresser. Can you send me a picture of this document, whatever? Yes, then I'll do it then. But otherwise I don't. Because there's a level of trust between us. And... That's not really there with a toxic family dynamic. So getting way off track, way off my outline. So let me come back to the topic that we're discussing today about our home being a sanctuary. Now, I just want you to notice these things. I can't tell you how to fix it, but you can't fix something unless you notice. that something's wrong. So the first thing I want to talk about is physical access. Do your toxic family members have a key to your home? Do they drop by unannounced? Are you always expected to be available whenever they show up? That is a level of physical access that you're going to have to deal with and address if you don't want that. And chances are, if they're toxic, you don't want that. Now with a healthy relationship, even still, you might want some boundaries in place. I have a pretty decent relationship with my mom. But even when we lived just 20 minutes away from her, she would call before she came over every time. She never came by unannounced. Not once. And we did the same thing for her. And when we lived close to my husband's grandparents, and this was a while ago, this was 2008, nine, 10, that time range. I remember one instance ⁓ specifically where had been out with all my girls ⁓ and were young at the time, the youngest, it was ⁓ 2008, youngest would have been ⁓ two or three. and one of my girls needed to go to the bathroom. And I had already gone shopping, everything was already loaded in the car, everybody was already in their car seats, and that's when the announcement came that she needed to go potty. And so my husband's grandparents were just like three or four minutes away. And I knew that we could probably stop there. And so I called first. I called because that is... the courteous thing to do. Now I know not everybody does that. I know not everybody, you know, has that kind of relationship with their family members. But if you have a relationship that is not on the best terms, then I would highly suggest that you start putting these boundaries into, in place and say, you know what, we'll try to be available when you come by, but we need some notice first. We need you to call. We need you to send a text. And if we don't answer, then that means maybe we're not available. And these are hard conversations if you've never had them before. So ⁓ the physical access is very triggering for me because it is such a, to me, it is a sign of disrespect. If you just show up at my house and expect me to be there and expect me to open the door for you, it's very disrespectful to me because it means that you're not honoring anything that I'm doing in my house, anything that I'm doing with my family. And you expect me to drop what I'm doing to entertain you. So I personally find it very disrespectful. Now what about emotional access within our homes? Does your husband process the stress going on in your family, the stress going on with your marriage by calling his parents? Does he seek his parents' input on decisions that belong just between you two? That is when our home is no longer a sanctuary. If your husband is inviting in input from somebody outside of your family. And now is a perfect time for me to... bring out my visual of the proper order of a Catholic family. Again, God is at the center, your spouse is second, your children are third, and then look at all this. Everything on the outside is on the outside. And so if you have parents coming in here, it starts to create disorder. Same thing with friends, same thing with in-laws, acquaintances, parish members, anybody else. If your husband is seeking their input for decisions that, you know, just belong in this circle. then you start to have issues. And usually it's issues of trust because you can't trust that the things that y'all are talking about are just going to stay inside this circle with just you and your spouse and praying about it with God, to God, and asking for wisdom. And then for any children, you know, if you have older children, you might involve them in decisions, but that's not really where mom and dad come in, unless you both agree together to seek their input. And that's the key. You need to be in agreement that you both want to find out what your in-laws or your parents think about a certain thing. And this would come into play, let's say ⁓ your father-in-law is a doctor and you have this medical issue. with one of your children and you're not getting any answers and you just want his opinion. Okay, that makes sense. Or if your father has a, ⁓ an auto shop and he has worked on cars for years and you're having an issue with one of your vehicles, then it makes sense to contact him if you both agree on it. But that's the key. You both have to agree on it. Otherwise your home is just like an extension of theirs. And then something that is fairly new for our generations is digital access. Are there shared family photo streams? Are there sharing apps? Do your in-laws have location sharing with your husband and vice versa? And is there monitoring of social media? I had to block access to my mother-in-law And then to a lot of my husband's extended family because my mother-in-law had set up accounts for her extended family. And so she had access because she wasn't using it in the way that I found acceptable. I'm not going to tolerate being friends with my in-laws on Facebook if they're going to use Facebook as a way to publicly chastise me or try to publicly humiliate me or try to snoop around. and post things to slander me publicly. So consider that. Consider the access that your in-laws have to photos, location, social media, because it might be time to pull back. Not as punishment, but as, you know what? I don't trust you. And if I don't trust you, then you don't get access to me. Just like you wouldn't allow somebody inside your home that you knew was a criminal. You don't let somebody who you don't trust into your digital life. And then finally access through our children. Now, this is something that we personally dealt with where our kids were questioned. during visits. Our kids were asked questions about what we did every day homeschooling. What we ⁓ at such-and-such ⁓ That's not appropriate. It is not appropriate for ⁓ to question children about the greater issues, know, the greater family life. not appropriate. It's not appropriate for your mother-in-law to be asking your children ⁓ what do every day, Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday. and Thursday and Friday and Saturday and Sunday like mine were. That's not appropriate. Now it's different than saying, ⁓ what did you do last week? Just as a general thing and see because you're interested, presumably because the grandparents are interested, presumably in what, you know, their grandchildren are doing. But it's different when it's like ⁓ interrogation. It's very different. And then what about when your children are sent home with things that you did not approve of? Let's say your in-laws are not Catholic and they start sending home materials that go against your faith. No, no, no. You are mom and dad. You get to choose what comes into your home and what influences your children have access to. And then what about if your in-laws are encouraging or allowing habits that you and your husband don't agree with. So maybe you allow your children to go over to grandma and grandpa's house and they just plop the kids in front of the tv and they watch youtube videos the whole time they're there. But you don't allow youtube videos at home. That's an issue. You are still the parents. Yes, ⁓ but they're at grandma's house. Let them spoil up. No, you're still the parents. You are still the ones accountable to God for how you raise your kids. And that's when you have to have those tough conversations of "Mom, dad. We don't allow the children to watch YouTube videos." Period. End of story. If that continues to happen, then the kids aren't going to be able to come over. And then what stinks is that if you do allow your children to go over again, then you, mom or dad, have the obligation to ask your children about what they did when they were there. And if you know there is some sneakiness already, you have to ask the question, "Did grandma tell you not to tell us something? Did grandma or grandpa tell you to keep something a secret from mommy and daddy?" Y'all, these are the kinds of questions that we had to have with our own children because we did not trust what was going on with my in-laws. I was asking them, "Did they say anything about mommy being a bad mommy?" This is actually what I had to do because I did not trust that my mother-in-law specifically was not going to try to turn my children against me. because there was no trust until we got to the point where there were no unsupervised visits. And really, looking back, we should not have had any unsupervised time. If I was feeling like this, if I was feeling like I had to ask my children, if grandma and grandpa were saying that I was a bad mommy, that I was a mean mommy, why was I still letting them see them without me there? I don't know. Learn from my stupidity, really is what it was. And Don't do that. If you get to that point where you have to question your children about what is going on... Maybe the visits should not be happening without you present. Every one of these things that I've talked about, the physical access, the emotional access, digital access, access to the children, these are open doors that you probably didn't unlock. And here's what makes it even harder is that once you try to close of these doors, even if you do it gently and not slamming it shut, ⁓ you're to probably hear something Like, "Why are you being so secretive? What are you trying to hide? These are things that were told to us. "What secrets do you have? What are you trying to hide?" Now the accusation flips the script. You're not hiding anything. You are simply trying to have a normal private life inside your own family, inside your own marriage. But now all of a sudden you are on the defensive because your toxic family members are making accusations. And then you find that you are trying to explain yourself. and to prove your innocence. And that's really not what it's all about. And that is no accident. Toxic in-laws will try to flip the script so that you are put on defensive, so that you start to look crazy, so that you start to explode. And then they can say, "See? she's mentally unstable. You see how she blew up over something? I was just asking her a simple question she blew up and she went all crazy." Because when you get to that point, you do feel like you are going crazy because just so much. It's just so much. And there's actually a current case that is being heard in Rhode Island about grandparents' rights. And what's very striking to me is that ⁓ the in-laws, which, I mean, obviously I don't know everything that's been said. I don't know the whole entire case, but it appears on the surface that the in-laws are highly toxic. They were... caught drugging their granddaughter after her mom had passed away. And the toxic in-laws are saying that the dad, their son-in-law, has been aggressive, ⁓ loud, verbally, probably not too kind in his words. And that is... the classic trap of toxic people is that they will push you to the edge and then blame you when you scramble to come back from the edge. So they will push you and they will push you and they will make things escalate until you do explode and then they go see. Take a step back and say, you are the crazy one. We are just asking a question, and here you are getting explosive and calling names" and they do it on purpose. And sadly, that's what it seems like has happened in this case. And I pray that the judge sees through any falsehood for this case, that ultimately they do, whoever the judge is, rule on behalf of the child and what is best for her. But it's scary to think about these kinds of cases. And they're saying that this could go to the Supreme Court. And it honestly makes me very thankful that my husband and I acted in the timeline and in the ways that we did to protect our family. toxic people will do whatever it takes to achieve their end goal. A lot of times. Not always, because there is a range. There's a scale of toxicity, of abuse, of manipulation, of deceit, control, whatever you want to call it. But on the very worst end, they truly will believe that the end justifies the means and they will do whatever it takes. to get access to their grandchildren even if it means lying about a son-in-law who is protecting his daughter from a toxic influence. And like I said, I don't know if that's the case in this specific instance, but that's just what it seems like on the surface. Now, again. going back. I'm getting off topic today. You'll just have to forgive me. Just so many things are coming to mind as I'm going through my outline. So let's bring it back to Psalm 101 verse 2. Now the psalmist speaks about walking with integrity in his own house and there is a reason the home is named as a specific intentional space because the household isn't just The four walls, right? It isn't just the walls and the roof and the art. That's not it. It is a unit with its own integrity. Now the church's teaching on the domestic church, Domestica from the Catechism, Chapter 1655, says that the family home is a place of formation, prayer and protection, and it is meant to be ⁓ set apart. Now your instinct to protect the boundaries of your home is rooted in something real and theological. It's not just your personal preference. This is how it's designed. Now I want to close with a question. If your home is the domestic church, a sacred space, who has the keys to it that you didn't give them? who has the keys, who has access to your domestic church. If you're listening to this podcast, it's probably your toxic family members. Now, if this resonates with you, I want to invite you to the Catholic Wives Plus Toxic In-Laws Community at ToxicInLaws.com. Again, no dashes, just ToxicInLaws.com where you will find other women who they understand. They understand this lack of privacy within your marriage. They understand what it's like to feel like their home is just an extension of their toxic family members. The community is completely free. Please come join in the conversation. We are a small group and growing. And I'm so grateful for all of the members in there right now because it's hard to get to the point where you know you need to talk to somebody else. Even though I'm not a professional. even though I have no letters after my last name, I have 30 years of lived experience in this kind of environment. And I just want you to feel less alone, to feel validated, to feel like you are not the crazy one because of all these things happening. So I invite you to join at ToxicInLaws.com and I would love to see you inside. Now, next week, we're going to be looking specifically at the digital front door. The access that we often don't realize is just there waiting for our in-laws to capitalize on. So we're going to talk about that next week. I pray that this podcast is a blessing to you. And if it is, I encourage you to write a review, to give me a rating on whatever podcast app you're listening to right now. And what that does is that helps other women find this content. I am, I think this is episode 113, 113 episodes that I've done all about being a Catholic wife with toxic in-laws. Honestly, I had no idea that I could have this much content, but it just comes. So many things come and I see topics online and ⁓ God just gives me things to talk about. And so ⁓ this is an opportunity for you to encourage somebody else. So by giving a review, giving some ratings, the content, ⁓ leaving a comment. All these things tell these mysterious computer algorithms that tell these platforms that this is valuable content. And so it then allows other people to find it. So again, thank you so much for listening. I hope that every week, really, my hope is that you feel seen, that you feel heard, that you feel like you're not alone. God bless you. Go in peace.