Miriam Susan: You're listening to the Catholic Wives with Toxic in-laws podcast. Today's episode is titled, Is Your Husband's Toxic Family His God? Hi, Miriam Susan here. Welcome to today's episode. This month we're going to be doing a series of episodes all about when toxic family becomes an idol or even I could just title it when family becomes an idol because sometimes family is an idol in our lives and it especially is so for our toxic in-laws. And so today's specific topic in this greater topic of family being an idol is about our husband's family being like his God. And I don't say this to say that our husbands are idol worshipers, that they truly worship their family as they do the Lord. But there's a lot of characteristics that come with toxic families that looks and feels a lot like idolatry. So that is going to be our topic for today. And our scripture reference for this episode comes from the book of Exodus chapter 20 verse 3. And this is from the New Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition. And it says, simply, you shall have no other gods before me. Now, of course, that is coming directly from the 10 commandments that the Lord gave to Moses and one that we, you know, commandment that we still need to follow today. Now it doesn't look like it did back in those times where we don't have an idol of a golden calf sitting in our living room. At least I hope you don't. But idols can take many shapes and forms and within a toxic family dynamic, the idol seems to be the family. So if you have this kind of scenario like we have where, you know, you and your husband have made decision together. Maybe it's about the holidays. Maybe it's about your kids. Maybe it's about your finances. And it's something between just the two of you. And before it's even done, before you've even kind of acted on that, somehow, someway, your parents or your in-laws already know. And now the decision is changing. So whatever you discussed together, one-on-one, now that the extended family knows, now the decision is not exactly the same as it was when it was just the two of you that discussed it. And chances are, you didn't get a vote. His mom did, his dad did, but you somehow were surprisingly absent from this meeting when the decision was morphed. So does that sound familiar? Does it sound reminiscent of a recent decision that you made where you and your husband, you thought that you had it all worked out. And then all of a sudden, his mom and dad come into the picture, or maybe it's your parents, and they come into the picture and then the decision is different. The decision caters more to their needs and wants and desires than yours. And that's very, very common. It's extremely common in these toxic family dynamics because it seems like toxic in-laws, toxic parents aren't willing to let us go. They aren't willing to let us become our own autonomous and independent family. They have to still have a say in your husband's life or in your life. And so a question that I want to pose to you is who does it seem like your husband is answering to? Is it to God or is it to his parents? Because our husbands shouldn't necessarily like answer to us. We should be a team. We should be working together. But in a toxic dynamic, we as adult children, if we have the toxic parents, we'll look to them for validation, for input that is not theirs to give. And again, we go back to, if you're watching on video, the properly ordered Catholic family where God is at the center, spouses come second, children come next, and then everybody else is on the outside. And when we are making decisions, it should stay within this circle. Because when we pull influences from the outside, then things start to get distorted and disordered. So what is an idol? So like I said in the beginning in the intro that of us picture like this golden statue, but that's not what we're talking about here. Catholic teaching says that an idol is anything that takes the place of God and that spot that He is supposed to occupy. So if you take any of these people from out here outside of this the circle of a properly ordered Catholic family and you replace God with friends, parents, cousins, neighbors, siblings, in-laws, jobs, homes, cars, your bank account, whatever, that's when things start to get disordered. Now, anything that we give ultimate loyalty, ultimate fear, ultimate obedience to above God becomes an idol. And it doesn't have to be this dramatic thing where All of a sudden, your husband has left the church and now he seems to be worshiping the idol of his employer. No, it can be sometimes very subtle and start very small and very incrementally. It can be a habit. And when we're talking about toxic in-laws or toxic family, that habit can be, ⁓ we have a big decision to make. You know, let me pick up my phone and call mom and dad. it can be a pattern where when maybe you and your husband don't necessarily see eye to eye, your husband again goes, picks up his phone, starts dialing and calling mom and dad to get their input. And it can also be something like a very deep, ingrained sense of obligation. Because remember, our husbands have been raised by these people and raised in certain ways so that they have certain patterns that they fall into. And so one of those patterns is this sense of obligation to his family of origin. that is normal and that is okay before he becomes an adult and gets married. You should have a sense of obligation toward your family. ⁓ we do in a Catholic sense have ⁓ sense of obligation to ⁓ parents. And we'll talk about that next week in that episode. But when it comes to this obligation where he's seeking out the approval of his parents before talking over it with you and seeking the Lord, looking to Catholic teachings for guidance, that's when it becomes idolatry. So when a person is ⁓ oriented around keeping their family of origin happy, that it shapes every decision that they make, then that family of origin has quietly moved into this center position where only God alone belongs. God alone belongs at the center of our lives and when parents occupy that space, then it becomes disordered and strife and stress starts to come into your marriage. Now, what does this look like in a marriage when your toxic in-laws seem to be your husband's God? Well, first of all, you did not marry his parents. Praise God for that, right? That's not how it works. We marry our husbands. We don't marry... the parents, even though there are a lot of sayings of like, when you marry your husband, you marry his family. That's kind of true because it's usually a package deal, but that kind of implies that when you marry a family, you agree to adopt all of their family culture, all their family traditions, even their family dysfunction. And that's not what happens. That's not what a Catholic marriage is all about. even though it feels like that might be the case. So when your husband has this constant need to check in with his parents, to get their approval, tries to avoid upsetting them at all costs, that's what it looks like. That's what it looks like when it feels like your husband's God is his parents instead of God the Father, God the creator of the entire universe. And this isn't like a personality quirk. This isn't just, ⁓ you know, your husband being a good son. What it's actually is disordered loyalty. It's that your husband hasn't understood the new role that he is in, where his loyalty centers on God and you and any children that you have. And the loyalty to his parents is different. It's changed. It's not the same. Yes, he can still be loyal to his parents, but not at the cost of his relationship with God, his relationship with you, his relationship with his children. And that's what often happens when you have toxic in-laws or toxic parents, if it's your family that is toxic. Now, I want to point out that it's not wrong for you to notice it. You are essentially an outsider who has come and now is getting a peek a more realistic peek into the lives of your in-laws. Maybe one that you didn't have before you got engaged. Maybe because they kind of kept things hidden. They kind of kept things behind a veil and were on their best behavior. And now that you're married and maybe there's children in the picture, things are a little different. And that's when, you know, the gloves come off. the curtains are thrown back and all of a sudden you're seeing things that you did not see when you were engaged, that you did not see when you were dating. Maybe you didn't even see it in the first few years of marriage because now there's children at play and toxic in-laws, a lot of times they will change and I've gotten so many messages from women saying this that, I thought I had a great relationship with my mother-in-law. I thought that Our relationship was on solid ground. thought we were close friends. And then children come into the picture and she had a different perspective on what her role was going to be as a grandparent to our children. And now I'm in the way and now she is not happy. Or maybe it's your father-in-law is not happy with how you have decided with your husband to raise your children. And that's when you start to notice things. That's when things start to really become uncomfortable because they are pushing boundaries, they are ⁓ wanting more input into your lives than is really appropriate. So I want to validate that what you're sensing is probably very real. It's probably very real. And you maybe just didn't have the words for it. until now. And that was the case for me. I went decades, decades without really understanding what was going on. I knew that there was tension. I knew that I didn't feel comfortable and like I could be myself around my mother-in-law. I knew that there were things going on, but a lot of it was so subtle. My mother-in-law is extremely good at very subtle jabs, very subtle, you know, little digs. And nothing was really explosive until fairly recently. And so I didn't have words. I didn't know what narcissism was. I didn't know what different cluster B personality disorders were. I had no idea. So I just thought, well, this is just a lady who's really struggling with letting her son go. She was very young. She was a teenager when he was born. They kind of grew up together. I can't imagine. I can't imagine what that was like. And maybe that's part of what this is. I didn't have the words for it. I didn't know that there are actual patterns that I was seeing that line up with some mental health conditions. I didn't know. Now I'm not diagnosing my mother-in-law, but I can see patterns, right? I mean, we're not stupid. We can see when things happen over and over again and when they line up with certain things. And if it, you know, let's, I don't know what they're saying. If it looks like a duck and it swims like a duck and it quacks like a duck and it eats like a duck and it has duck babies, it's probably a duck. And so, like I said, I'm not diagnosing, but I am saying that we can notice patterns. can notice things that line up with certain diagnoses, right? Even though we are not diagnosing, we can say, you know, okay, so our child has a fever, they have body aches, they have a sore throat, they're lethargic, maybe they have the flu. So I want to validate that. I want to validate that you as an outsider coming in, you have a different perspective. Even if you came from a family with your own toxic baggage, his family is going to do things a little bit differently. And so you can come in with a different set of eyes and see things that your husband is probably blind to. So I want to validate that. I want to validate that if you're seeing your husband turn and seek approval, seek permission from his parents, whole lot more than he is talking with you or after he talks with you he goes and talks to talks to his mom and dad and then things are different, I want to validate that I want to validate that what you're very is very likely that it is very real now you don't have to do anything with this information today I have 115 podcast episodes you can go back and listen to them if you want ⁓ some more information, but I just want you to sit with this question. In your husband's life, and maybe even your own, whose voice carries the most weight? Whose disapproval is the most feared? And the answer that you come up with that, I want you to think about your knee-jerk reaction, like who is the voice who holds the most weight? Whose voice is it? What's the first name that comes into your head? And then what's the name that comes into your head when you think about whose disapproval is the most feared? Think about that. Your first, don't try to overthink it. Don't try to talk yourself into another answer when you know what your first instinct is. usually those tend to be right. And that answer, whose ever name it was, whether it's your mother-in-law, whether it's your father-in-law, whether it's maybe a sister-in-law or brother-in-law, maybe it's your parents, maybe it's your sister, maybe it's a grandparent, whose ever name that was is worth paying attention to. Because if you and your husband are talking and your husband's voice doesn't carry more weight than your parents, that's a problem. If your husband is more fearful of disappointing his parents and he is of disappointing God or disappointing you or disappointing your children, that is something to pay attention to. Now, if this resonated with you, I want to invite you to the community at ToxicInLaws.com. It is the Catholic Wives Plus Toxic In-Laws community, ⁓ we are a small but growing group. I get new members every week, and I am so, so grateful for every single woman in there. And I pray for them every night because I know what it's like to live this life where mother-in-law and father-in-law, their opinion is more important than mine. Or it feels that way in many, situations. And so if you want to be surrounded by a community of women who understand, who are in a very similar place and probably have eerily similar things happening to them. Again, we're not diagnosing, but it's very interesting when you get to talking with people who also have toxic family relationships, how similar the behaviors and even the phrases that they use are. So if you are looking for a community like that, I invite you to join at ToxicInLaws.com It is a free community. There is paid upgrade. And in that paid upgrade, We have training on boundaries. We have training on legal protection. We have training on how to handle the holidays. And I create a new training every single month. So I did skip one month because it was just crazy. But aside from that, I've created something every single month. And as a member, you get access as soon as you join to all the past months of paid training. And right now, it's only $17 a month. So for your... You know, it's really for your peace of mind that you're not crazy because a lot of times toxic people will make you feel like you're crazy, will make you feel like you're losing your mind. And I want you to have a space that validates you and lets you know, no, you're not crazy. No, you're not losing your mind. So I'd love to see you at ToxicGunLaws.com. Come and join the community. I would love to have you. God bless you. Go in peace.