speaker-0: I'm Senia Bari, relationship trauma therapist and coach.

speaker-1: Can you tell me about your own personal journey?

speaker-0: Yes, my journey started when I was nine years old. And before you start yawning, it's like, ⁓ my God, I didn't ask for the life history. I'm sorry. That's where it starts. Can I go from there?

speaker-1: Yes, yes please.

speaker-0: So Michael, I am nine years old and I poke my face out in between the seats of my parents' car. And I have this bold announcement for them that I'm going to be the one who's going to learn how to love without getting hurt. And my parents are like rolling their eyes and yeah, I used to say a lot of silly things like that. And I don't have a lot of memory of my childhood, but I remember that. I remember saying that. And it just never left me. Everything that I did afterwards was a part of that. And I wasn't, I was too young to have any type of romantic love. So this was love and these were violations in small moments, like watching my mom carry it on and notice that we take her for granted, even though she takes everything with a smile, watching my dad peel himself out of bed, even when he's sick because love meant providing things like that. You my brother showing his prize toy and then me asked that he has to share it. You and that twinkle from his eye just disappearing. Like why? Just because the ass like that's, You reacted to that one. That's hitting home a little bit, isn't it, Michael?

speaker-1: Yes, I'm I remember growing up like this is my time and left my brother out of it. So, yes, I.

speaker-0: Love it. So that's, that's how my journey started. Okay. So I should say more. Okay. Here's what I'm going to say. So the, you know, I, I made this massive proclamation. I don't know who else heard me, but let me tell you something. The universe heard me because right when I went back to school after that summer, my lessons started, the universe is like, ⁓ you don't say you would like some lessons on say what, what, ⁓ how to not get hurt. Oh, we have some lessons, you know, queued up for you. And I go to school and my friend I speak to the last night before, I'm a kid who has friends. So I'm used to that. And we're like, oh, we're going to meet and I'll save you a spot. And she's not coming and I'm saving her the spot. You know, people are trickling in, they're wanting this space. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, just keep walking. This one's for my friend. After a little while, the teacher's about to come and I hear a little ruffle in the back and I'm like, okay, what's happening? And I turn around and look, there she is settling in with some other kids and still not getting it. I like stand up and make myself real visible. Like I'm, you know, directing air traffic. Like here, here, here I am. I saved us this seat and all of the people who wanted that seat are annoyed with me. And, and then, you know, she, everybody looked my way. except she doesn't even turn her face. And it wasn't until the recess that I began to understand that this is going to be the new Nora. And I basically walked around that year on that playground, watching my friends play all of the games that I had created with them, except without me. And soon after, what started was whispering and giggling. And you know that Michael, that hurt a lot. That was unnecessary and that hurt a lot. And I really allowed that hurt to really set in. And I was like, ⁓ that's how betrayal feels. That's how rejection feels. That's what it feels like when I am not seen. And I got a very first taste on as fearless as I am, how absolutely afraid I am of getting hurt. And so everything that I did after that, was, had to be according to what do I say here? What do I do here? So I don't have to experience that rejection again, that hurt again, that betrayal or abandonment again. And ⁓ I remember my mom in those days at some point, because I was like, so being all sad with my first world problems. And she was like, ⁓ she was like, ⁓ my God, Senya, you're so good. And I'm like, ⁓ my God, there's something wrong with my mom. There's something wrong with both of us because how does she not know that there is something terribly wrong with me? And I'm probably like this because she doesn't know and we both don't know, but other people know that there is something wrong and I'm not great. I'm the kid that you drop on the head and you never look back. So I started to change myself as a person and became this Being this person who has a kid, it's like, what do I want to play? What do I want to do? I became somebody who's like, wait a second, what do other people want from me? First, let's figure that out. And then we're going to do that. So I became what you would call now that I didn't have a word to, a people pleaser, a chameleon of the sorts. I couldn't tell you what I wanted for the life of me, but I could tell you what everybody else wanted. And my job was to do it before they even asked. So it was a lifetime of that and you know, it's so ⁓ ironic and perfect that somebody who decided at nine who was going to study love started to accidentally study pain. And then ⁓ from that painful place, I just kept getting more more pain because what I didn't understand is that whatever you give most amount of attention to with emotion, that combination, just creates more of that. And that's what kept happening in my life over and over again, up until the time where, one of the benefits of pain was that I, for example, even when I was rejected in school, I didn't wanna be around, I didn't want to be ⁓ embarrassed like that. And I didn't wanna have that indignity of them treating me like that. So I would stay in, I would pretend that I'm busy, I was totally not busy, I was just trying to be busy. And I would study a lot. I was never a kid who cared about school. I just went to school for recess. So suddenly, accidentally, I became a good student and it was quite socially acceptable. So I kept going with it. And a lot of my success, and I'm talking to you now about a moment in my life where I'm sitting in my dream car parked in the driveway of my dream home. my three children doing really well, my husband a good earner, and my life just looking so full, Michael, but inside, like I'm completely empty and crying from this deep visceral primal place. Problem is, I don't know what I'm crying about because everything's real shiny and good on the outside. I was having this collapse moment there. And that's, that's where a lot of my work comes from, building from a place of pain, having these shiny objects and being real confused why those shiny objects are something that I can't take any pride in. That even if people are directly giving me an accolade, like you're doing real well, I'm like, that feels like a noose. Can you relate to any of what I'm saying? you know, like, yeah. Yeah.

speaker-1: Yeah. ⁓ yeah, completely. That's when I was working more corporate. was, you know, making more money and all that. So I'm supposed to feel good, but I felt like this is not working for me.

speaker-0: Yeah. And is that why you, came into podcasts and such because you were like, I don't, I don't get to use my soul here. It's a soulless place.

speaker-1: Yes, here now I get to talk to people and then share my story and help them share theirs. It's it's way better. Yeah.

speaker-0: and I'd love to hear your story too. Are you following about how I got to this?

speaker-1: Yes.

speaker-0: Yes. And so, and so it goes, it goes further and I have a real dark moment, but when I come out of that dark moment, I don't know if it's okay for all of you viewers to understand how dark it got, but it got pretty, dark. But when I came out of that moment, what happened is that I woke up to this part of me that was able to observe the insanity of what I had created. Because my, you know, Michael, we mostly think that One of the most common ways that we as humans numb is drugs and alcohol. But the most common way that we numb is actually staying busy. Like I'm gonna stay so busy that I'm not gonna have time to think or feel. Can you, can you like imagine that that could be true? Have you, have you seen that? Have you felt that? Yeah. Yeah. So that's what that's what, you know, I did, like I would just be so busy and that's, that's where a lot of the success came from because I needed to be busy. You know, a person whose, whose marriage isn't doing well is going to work extra hours. A person who's not getting an accolade. That's, do you know what I'm trying to say? Yes.

speaker-1: I haven't. No, that makes sense.

speaker-0: The graveyard shift in the hospital and I'm like, okay, who are these other people that are working the graveyard shift with you? Because all of them have these lives that are many times it's not that case. Not everybody's the same, but a lot of times they very complicated lives that they're running away from. Right?

speaker-1: Yeah, so I want to ask, ⁓ how does trauma hurt love?

speaker-0: So trauma is almost like something is happening and it just gets frozen. It just gets frozen. And the difference between trauma and irregular pain is that when I get hurt, like I just get hurt and, but when I get hurt and it becomes traumatic, it's not a normal thing anymore where after that stimuli one, I have a chance to go to two, three, four, and then the peak five. If it's traumatic, it goes from one to five, like right away, there's nothing in between. So maybe I'm somebody who really wants to work on myself. Like I have a great intention to work on myself. But because this particular thing is traumatized and I didn't even go to war and I didn't have the rape and the this and that, it doesn't have to be that dramatic. It was just traumatic for my psyche. so my problem is that I have no pause. There's nothing in between where I stop. just goes right to that last state. That's the trauma and that's why I do trauma therapy because as I'm working with people, we'll be able to work on so many things, but there'll be that one thing where they just get stuck. And when they do, I just do the trauma therapy so we can smooth it out almost like plumbing pipes and stuff. I want you to imagine.

speaker-1: Well, when I was doing my research, I saw something that was fascinating is emotional clarity specialist. What is that?

speaker-0: Yeah. know, Michael, have you ever heard people almost say negatively that you're so sensitive? Yes. Right? I mean, honestly, this is what I thought, ⁓ don't be sensitive because that is not a cool thing with people and then they're not going to like me. But, but it's almost like the person who is sensitive is like, they have the antenna that people bought from Neiman Marcus rather than Kmart. I think Kmart is closed now. People are like, what is Kmart? Well, it's closed. Yes.

speaker-1: But I know it, so yes, I get it.

speaker-0: It's not such a great antenna. So one would think that people who are more sensitive should be rewarded and they should be... But the problem is that if I'm getting all of this amazing signal, however, I don't know what to do with that signal. I'm like the kid who can see dead people and there's dead people all around, just like there's pain all around. So I'm getting so many signals, I don't know how to process it. So my own development, I can't be healthy. I'm looking like a mess. But you guys are all emoting everywhere and I feel everything. I just don't know what to do with it. As I see this, does that even make sense?

speaker-1: Little bit, yes.

speaker-0: So when you are an emotional clarity expert, what you do is you help people make sense of the signals that they're getting. So they don't get overwhelmed. Because a sensitive person is feeling so much. People are just like, ⁓ you're sensitive. Well, you don't understand how many signals I'm getting from you right here. So it is true that the way I presented the emotional clarity expert is by talking about sensitivity. But the reality is that normal people who are not labeled as sensitive, when we get hurt, in love, the people we love, the things we're creating that we love, and let's say that I'm building a project or something and it just, it really busts, something that is coming through my heart, it hurts you in such a deep and visceral place that it, even if you're real, real smart, and you're real successful, you feel just almost like debased. You feel disoriented. You could have like a lot in your life. Like somebody could be real wealthy and you and I can be like, whoa, like that's really successful. Right. If they're hurt, they're going to feel like a ghost, like a dead person inside, dead behind. Can you relate to what I'm saying about this? Yes.

speaker-1: because you look at people and be like, man, they have everything and you don't know if they're struggling or not.

speaker-0: Right? And you know, I've been that person too. So what I'm really telling you is that it's so disorienting, but the problem with getting hurt in love is that many times you don't know why you got hurt in love. When you don't know why you got hurt in love, it is very difficult to give yourself the trust that you're not going to get hurt and hurt in love again. So what I do is I have a method called the love clarity method. And there's a very short, quick one, like quickie, which is called a grot check, which people, when they get hurt in love and they're sitting like, ⁓ my God, like what just happened? Like, what is this train that drove over me? At that time, a person can follow the trail back almost like when you and I have lost our keys and we're like, where was I before? And where was I before? And where was I before? To figure out, That's what happened. That's when I, even though I had an intention to really love, but I got off the love track and I went accidentally into the track where it was the type of love that hurts and violates and not the one that heals you and frees you because there are kinds of love. There are two kinds of love at least. So that's what I do. that is the emotional clarity thing and that is the method that I teach. And that's the method that came through me that healed me. And I've been using it for the past 10 years. Anybody who uses it amongst my clients or anybody that I serve or teach or talk to, they use it and then they get this.

speaker-1: When you work with ⁓ some people in relationships, what is it like getting them on the same page?

speaker-0: You know, I generally speaking, when I was a younger therapist, I would work with everybody, but I generally speaking work with people who have not had success anywhere else. These are intelligent people. They've been in therapy for 15, 20 years, or they've just tried everything. Maybe the divorce lawyer said, forget it. You are just a hopeless case. You can't be fixed. Those are my people, so by the time they come to me, they're highly motivated. If they're not motivated during the interview, I tell them I'm not gonna work with them until they get to that motivation level. I give them to my other people, other therapists who work in my practice. ⁓ So I only work with people who are highly motivated to heal. I have a school that I work with in a group format and a membership, but one-on-one especially. I'm not gonna give... My time because when I work I roll up my sleeves sleeves. We have six months and we get it done or we don't forget I'm basically Michael creating something. I have created something that I wanted to receive myself when I was in pain

speaker-1: Yeah, I could tell that's the big thing. You gotta be... part of it and want it or it's not going to work. It's going to be a waste of people.

speaker-0: Absolutely, Michael, you know, because there's so many micro moments in our lives where we have to make that move inside us, where we have to turn towards ourselves when we're so afraid not to, that no one can actually, you could be Oprah and you could be, you know, Taylor Swift or anybody else with really massive income. And you could hire any type of therapist, but unless you do this internal work inside yourself with your parts that are hurt, nothing's ever going to change.

speaker-1: How does it feel to be helping people?

speaker-0: It just, mean, every, like every morning I have this thing that I write a letter to God and every morning when I do my gratitude, one of my very common gratitude is thank you for giving me the opportunity to be able to do this work. I just feel so honored. You know, when I'm deep in my work with my clients, they come from various kinds of pain. I know that I talk about love because love is the same word as that deeper place inside us where the soul lives. But I help the kind of people whom I have never gone through what they've gone through. So I can see that the advice that I'm giving them, because I do give advice, because I work, even though I'm a therapist by profession, I work in a coaching format. So my coaching has to be within that six months and it's very directive. But sometimes when I'm giving my advice to people, I can tell that this didn't come through me. I personally, the human that I am, I didn't have that insight. So I feel that ⁓ my greatest things that I've learned from my professors, Dr. Zron and Mary Hulnick, because after my ⁓ dual masters in psychology, I also did three years of advanced virtual psychology at the University of Santa Monica in California under Dr. Zron and Mary Hulnick, where I have learned from them. how to put my ego, my fear, my self, the human self aside so that I can be a conduit and the work can be done through me and whatever my client in front of me needs to hear can come through me.

speaker-1: How do you separate emotion with help and advice?

speaker-0: I don't do the work. just let that source do it through me. So when I'm doing it, I basically do open my heart wide. When I was a new practitioner, I used to think that I'm going to go crazy. Like I'm going to, don't know. I did so much pain. can I even take it? How am I going to do anything? And then I learned the skill, the difference between compassion and sympathy. Compassion is tethered to love and sympathy is actually tethered to wanting to fix people and feeling bad for them. It's so weird. It was so confusing when I heard the difference first and I remember, ⁓ you know, understanding it because I know that, you know, my husband ⁓ works with cancer patients. So I know that there's a lot of cancer patients who don't even want other people to know that they have cancer. They have very little time to live because they want that dignity. People in wheelchairs sometimes are wondering that are you my friend just because I've always been in a wheelchair and just makes you feel good. Are you really my friend? Almost like somebody who's rich, right? Are you really my friend for me or the way it makes you feel? So just like that, know, people can feel that, that sympathy when you have them. So I, when somebody's telling me something, I open my heart wide and I take them in and I take their pain in, but I don't keep it inside me. I let it go because I want it. I want, I understand that. Whoever's given the problem, that problem has a light in them, a thing in them that is inviting them to evolve, inviting them to change with that problem, when they solve it themselves. So I don't, I love, when I, as I'm working, as I'm going through my sessions, I become more revived because I'm doing it from love. So the more love you give, the more ⁓ you get. And when I say love, it's very tricky because that's not a word that therapists use because it can be like, what do you mean love? Like what is happening here? What I mean with love is that this generosity, this loving that I have for humankind and the earth and the garbage sitting here and the light that's coming through my window. you know what I'm trying to say? Just the general loving. Being in that generosity.

speaker-1: What do you do to help your own mental health?

speaker-0: So today I did something. You remember the little kale in my but I came in the session. I took myself out for a date because I've been working so much and I was, was sensing, can sense it whenever I do that, but I know that I need to do something a little special for myself. I'll tell you what I do every day. I know that I have to do something a little special for myself when I start to feel very heavy and sort of that thing. And it's generally not because I'm working with people. It's because the other type of work. my writing, my book, because I'm also, by the way, I didn't mention writing and doing other things that I take a lot more because, you know, just because it's fun too. And so I took myself out for a date in one of my really nice favorite restaurants. It was very fancy restaurant, not the type you go and sit alone and eat. But I wasn't alone. I was with myself, which is another weirdness that I'm going to give you right here. So I took myself out on a date. It was a lot of fun. had some really good conversations. I some good acknowledgments to give myself and I really needed to listen to me. But generally speaking, what I'll do is that I will do yoga. I will do things that feed me. I will spend time with people that I love and just like, know, enjoy everything. You know, I, I don't, for example, if a woman is carrying a baby, I'm just going to look at the baby and just love it from far away or a dog or something. Just finding joy everywhere, just collecting joy. I'm a collector of joy.

speaker-1: So how can people reach out and learn more?

speaker-0: They can find me through my podcast, Love Clarity Podcast. And the best way to find me is with my name. I know it's like, the spelling is like S-A-N-Y-A-B-A-R-I, Sanyabari. So if you do Love Clarity, Sanyabari, I try my best to, ⁓ to be everywhere. ⁓ and the best way to reach me is by Instagram. I actually have a gift for your audience that if they go on Instagram and they message me the word love, I'm going to send them the whole love party method videos as well as the worksheet that I mentioned here.