Lisa Drennon: Hey, hey everyone. Welcome back to this episode of IDate Money. Did you ever stop and think, like, what is my relationship with money really like? When we think about relationships, we always think about our partners, our, you know, siblings, our children, our bosses. But what about that relationship with money? Today, we have a special guest and we're going to be combining this conversation. Y'all hear that sex and money is the biggest thing. Well, today, ⁓ We have a somatic sexologist, kinesologist, and relationship coach supporting individuals and couples to feel safe in their bodies, rebuild trust, and reconnect with intimacy, desire, and authentic self, expression at their own pace. So this is Sam Ebelwhite's expertise. So go ahead and grab something cool to drink. lock yourself in a room, distract yourself from all distractions, isolate yourself from all distractions, and come join us for the next 30 minutes or so as we dive in to sex, money, and relationships and all things in between. Welcome, Sam. I'm so thrilled and honored that you are here. And I'm intrigued with how you've combined these three things to create that intimacy. Because I know like with our money relationship, if we're not intimate with money, money does not flow our way. So what brought you here? Like what was your journey before that brought you to this position of I'm going to help people do this and have this intimate relationship with their partners, with themselves so that they can be authentic and show up. Sam: It was completely, it came about by my journey. So, you know, I'm 47, I'll be 48 in December. And most of my adult life has been a journey of healing, of personal development, of peeling back layers. I did it sort of through various forms, you know, counselling. Initially, I was connected with a support group for families of alcoholics. I was connected with a network. marketing company where I was exposed to heaps of personal development and probably a seed was planted that life could be something other than I thought it was. And so then it was about finding myself and working out who I wanted to be and through two failed marriages and three children and probably a midlife crisis, but a celebration of turning 40 and finding who I really was. ⁓ through energy work and sexual exploration and you know this massive personal journey I came to a place where I was probably living my truer self happier than I've ever been and an absolute passion to help others to do the same. Lisa Drennon: Mm-hmm. I know a lot of our listeners out there are seeking true happiness and a lot of them are hustling trying to make more money to find it because they think making more money equals true happiness, but it's actually looking in within ourselves. So I love that you've been on this path and the energetics of it, we hear that word a lot, but I know our audience is still a little bit like, okay, what does it really mean to have the energetics to be aligned? Can you expand on that? Sam: Yeah, so I kind of think of it in a few different ways, but the easiest way I like to talk about it is mind, body, spirit. And spirit can be your higher self, it can be God, it can be whatever your belief system is, the universe, but it's something bigger than yourself. ⁓ So you want those things to be in alignment, you know, what your soul journey is, what your head thinks and what your heart. But we also operate intellectually, we amen. Our bodies operate and ⁓ we carry emotions physically within our bodies. We carry things energetically. So for me, alignment is when you're working in a place where you kind of take all of those factors into account. Because my first part of my healing was very mental. You know, I saw counselors, I was putting in all the good things, but I just kept on sabotaging myself. I knew where I wanted to be. I knew why I had the problems that I had. I just couldn't move forward because I kept on sabotaging myself. And that was when I found kinesiology through chiropractors initially and energy work, because I was carrying stories and emotions in my body energetically and I needed to clear those out to be able to move forward. Lisa Drennon: Hmm How did you know? Like what what kind of clues did you have because I know like a lot of women Listening struggle with I like I don't know what my purpose is. I don't know what direction to take I know I have a blocker, but I can't identify it Sam: think it's a process and it's not an easy one and it's not necessarily a quick one. But it's taking step by step. And as you take each step, your vision becomes wider and more possibilities become available. ⁓ And so my journey is probably 27 years, if not even more of my personal journey. I don't think we should ever stop growing and learning and improving and being the best we can be. ⁓ It takes time and it's an evolution and some days you do better than others. But what I say to people is, where are you now? And then where do you want to be? And then it's a process of taking steps to get from where you are to where you want to be. And the biggest thing is most of the time we need help. So we are where we are because of the tools we have and what we know. But to get somewhere different, you usually need help from someone. because you just don't know. Lisa Drennon: Yeah, I love that. It's so important to get that support. I know a lot of people are like, well, I'm not going to invest in myself because I can't afford it. I can figure it on my own. I can just Google this. Well, I already know how to do that. But even like I'm a certified aromatherapy practitioner and I can't do aromatherapy myself to get the shifts. I can do it, but I'm not going to get the shifts. I'm not going to go deeper because I know how to protect myself. Sam: So that was my biggest thing. Lisa Drennon: So I'm not gonna ask myself those hard questions to get to the different layers. And when we think about our relationships, how do they play a role in how we show up for ourselves and in our relationship with our money and others? Sam: It's really interesting because I'm on this bit of an evolution with my business where, because what I offer is very broad, I've tailored it down to four pillars. It's relationship with self, male sexual wellness, female sexual wellness, and couples relationships. And I'm launching a program in January and I've decided because everything comes back to relationship with self, that that's where I'm starting. Because it does. And that was my journey. So I realized. When I was younger, I had very poor self-worth, lots of body image issues. I don't think we realize sometimes how much it impacts every area of our life. So it impacted the people I attracted. It impacted the jobs I chose and careers I didn't pursue or did pursue. It impacted my wages. It impacted how I spent my money. Everything comes from our relationship with self. Lisa Drennon: Mm-hmm. Sam: and including our relationship with mummies. Lisa Drennon: Mm-hmm and having that relationship with yourself I know for a long time I hid from myself and I just like didn't want to connect with myself especially my younger self because I was so unforgiving towards her she made so many mistakes that I felt were unforgivable So what would you say to somebody that is just really stuck? They feel like they're invisible. They you know are trying to get their business launched and everything they do isn't working. It's like, you know, the old saying in America is throwing spaghetti at the wall and it won't stick. Sam: Yeah. I think the biggest thing is to know you're not alone. ⁓ I'm grateful I'm connected to a business network, a women's business network, and I'm a solo entrepreneur. And when I went into business, I reached out because I knew I couldn't do it by myself. But I actually had no idea the impact these ladies would have on me. There's no doubt in my mind. that I wouldn't be in business if it wasn't for this support network. Because we think that we're battling things alone. We think that we're the only ones with these challenges and we're not. So the biggest thing is asking for help. And that was one of my challenges. I believe we carry stories. So these stories come from our childhood, they come from our culture, they come from our family, our religion, our experiences. Lisa Drennon: Mm-hmm. Sam: And it's like a bag that we carry around with us. And it's, like you talked about your younger self made lots of mistakes, all of those stories we are carrying with us all the time. Now we can't change the past. So regretting it and, and, know, punishing ourselves for things we did in the past actually is just like drinking poison for ourselves. But what we can choose to do is we can rewrite those stories. So the first step is awareness. So beginning to understand. Lisa Drennon: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Sam: or stories that you're carrying. So these can be stories about money too. So this is my big thing that I'm working on at the moment. And Lisa, you and I are working together on this one. But these are part of our stories. So first is identifying the stories that you're carrying. And then you get the opportunity to rewrite those stories. You can't change your past. You can heal and you can take the emotional edge off it and find a place where there's a softness around where there might've been pain before. Lisa Drennon: Mm-hmm. Sam: but you get to rewrite those stories and you have total power to do that. And that's really exciting when you realize you actually in total control of everything in your life, because everything's a choice. ⁓ But I think that's the next thing that we need to really own is that we have a part in everything in our life. Even if someone's inflicted something on us, how we choose to respond, if we choose to carry that for the rest of our life, that's a choice. And with that choice, you have empowerment because you can change what you don't like. Lisa Drennon: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I love that and it's such a beautiful practice and we hear a lot about rewriting that story and a lot of women are like Well, what difference is I gonna make who cares? You know and one of my favorite things to do is to write money a letter and just say dear money I really don't like you right now But to be honest and we can do this with a person like when I first started this journey Of healing myself with my relationship of really knowing who I was I did this ⁓ this group thing that was called Matt Talbot Ministries. And we actually had a session where we created our own obituary. And it was really strange. But we had to write out exactly what we would want our obituary to say and like, and imagine what people would say as they came in. And, you know, in honor of the fact honored our life and you know, gave our loved ones support and imagine what they would say. I thought, how morbid. But it really helps you to reflect on who you are as a person and understand that you matter and you have beautiful gifts and talents. when we can, you know, a lot of women are afraid to identify their emotions, to sit with them and to let them just be because we're taught, no, shove those emotions down. Don't, don't show anger. Don't show frustration. Don't show sadness. And when you do, you're scolded or, you know, looked down upon. So It's really so important to write that letter and just to connect with yourself to rewrite that story. So when you started rewriting your story with yourself, did you start with your past self, your present self? Like what was your pivotal moment that said, okay, I'm on the right path and I have to continue to rewrite this story. Sam: That's a really good question. It was such a process of little steps. So it kind of began when I started counselling as a young adult, because I was very depressed. ⁓ And then I found a support group for families of alcoholics and that sort of started another process because one of the things I learnt through that, it was a 12-step program. is that the only one I have any control over is me. So that was a life changing ⁓ experience for me. ⁓ My first marriage was quite toxic. We brought out the worst in each other. And so I left that marriage and I didn't like the person I became in that situation. I was very angry. We fought a lot. And so that became a marker for me because it was like, I'm not that person. I don't ever want to be that person again. So if anything, is happening where I'm heading down that path, that's my warning sign. And I began to start to think about what I wanted. It was the first time I'd probably ever thought about what I wanted in a partner, how I wanted to behave, what I wanted my life to be. So that probably was where it started to evolve a little bit more. And then it's just been a journey slowly, slowly, slowly, know, unpeeling back layers. taking another step forward, going, okay, I like this bit, I don't like this bit. I've done the obituary exercise to Lisa and it's really powerful, but can be a bit confronting because you think, actually, what do I want people to say about me? And if you're not where you want them to say, then it can be a little bit frightening. But it also, I think for me, it's about observation without judgment. So going, okay, I'm not where I wanna be. I'm not going to fall in a hole and cry about it. It gives me a marker. goes, okay, where do I want to be instead? And then what do I have to do to get there? And then it's about doing the work. Cause that's the bit that it's not easy. It's not fun. Facing our demons can be really, really challenging. ⁓ but for me personally, Lisa Drennon: Mm-hmm. Sam: Coming out the other side, like, I've only got bigger and better and stronger and more comfortable in my own skin and my life has been better. So I cannot say, hand on my heart, it's worth all the pain and the hardship, but I didn't do it alone and I couldn't have done it alone. Lisa Drennon: Mm-hmm. Recognizing that you need support, think, is the first step. Because I know I was in denial. I know, like, I don't want anyone to know my business. I don't want support. you know, especially, like, I was betrayed a lot when I was younger. And so I always felt like if I confided in someone, then, you know, my dirty laundry would be aired everywhere. And then I would feel even worse because everyone would know how rotten I am inside. so there was this, this... process that I had to go through to help me realize it's like you know because I was 18 single mom and so like you know back in the early 90s that was not a good image right like especially coming Sam: No, I'm not sure it even is now. People are still judged. Lisa Drennon: Well, it seems to be more common now and more acceptable. But I mean, I came from an Italian Catholic family and it was like unheard of like you don't do that. So I shamed the family. And then you know, I was working hard, I was working full time and had a part time job. And I was an entrepreneur and selling Avon door to door. But I had to file bankruptcy at 22. So I felt I mean, I was a bankruptcy paralegal at the time and I felt so insignificant and so like like trash like just worthless and I carried that like I would tell myself every day like you are so stupid you are you just don't know how to manage money like who are you to help people in your job with you know because my job as a bankruptcy paralegal was to help them create budgets after they filed for bankruptcy so they wouldn't be in that position again and so here I am you know counseling people and okay here's your budget plan this is what you want to do this is where you want your money to go and all the things and I would feel so unfulfilled at the end of the day. I'd be like, why can't I do that? Why can't I do that for myself? And I was doing it for myself, but I didn't recognize it. I think we're our worst critic. I would look in the mirror and just badger myself, beat myself up. And I carried that for years. And then one day I was 40 years old and I just had a breakdown in the bathroom and it just created this tension in my relationships, especially as my kids became teenagers. and thought, okay, something has to change. And I reached out for support and I was so, I remember sitting there waiting for like the mentor. I decided to work with a mentor and thinking, ⁓ my God, am I gonna be able to open up? Am I gonna be able to commit to this? I don't know because my biggest fear was them betraying me and feeling abandoned and not feeling supported. So what would you say? Cause I know there's a lot of women that are struggling in their businesses or struggling to make money. they're struggling in their relationships and it all ties in together. You know, if you don't have a good relationship, yeah, if you don't have a good relationship with your partner, it's gonna affect the sex life, it's gonna affect your business, it's gonna affect your health. So what would you say to somebody to help them get through that hurdle of, okay, it's safe to be, to take this next step? Sam: Yeah. And look. There's a couple of different kind of levels to what you've just shared, but one of them is about asking for help. And it's something that I've learned or has become really crystal clear in the past couple of years, who you ask for help matters. So I don't like to use right and wrong, but I'm going to use it for this example. When you ask the wrong people for help, it feeds into your stories. you know, shame and betrayal and If you ask someone that's not the right person, they may betray you, they may shame you, whatever that story is you're carrying, because I've had this happen with me as well. But when you ask the right people, they help you rewrite those stories and they take you in the direction of where you want to go. So thinking about who you reach out to, do they have what you want? Do they have the tools to support you in that space? Are they the people that you know, you should share that information with. Or are they people that are just going to keep you small, tell you the same things that you tell yourself? Because that's the other one as well. You know, the stories that we tell ourselves ⁓ are so powerful and damaging. ⁓ And that's one of the, when you're looking at yourself in the mirror, Lisa, that's one of my ones, because that was my point. So I could present to the world that everything was fabulous. But in those quiet places where I was by myself, what I was telling myself was not very nice. And so part of my reading, rewriting those stories is challenging those times. So gathering evidence to support where I want to be. Because I realized how I saw myself was not how everybody else saw me. So I started to gather evidence. So when I'd say to myself this one thing, but I was like, well, Lisa Drennon: Mm-hmm. Sam: you know, 20 other people have told me something different. I'm getting to that tipping point where maybe I'm the one that's not telling the truth or isn't factual because all these other people, I don't think 20 other people would lie to me about this one thing. Maybe this is my stuff that I need to deal with. And that's when you can start to challenge it and challenge when those, I don't believe the thoughts ever completely go away. I do think they get quieter. Lisa Drennon: Mm-hmm. Sam: And I do think that you have ammunition to challenge them. But, you know, if I'm sick or if I'm run down or I've let my cup get empty or I've got extra challenges in life, I notice those patterns coming back. But I've got tools now to challenge it and to fight it and to pick myself up off the floor because we're not perfect. life is a journey and it's not always rosy. But when you've got tools, you can pick yourself up. And when you've got a support team. Lisa Drennon: Mm-hmm. Sam: you have people that you can ask for help. ⁓ And I think that's the trick maybe. Lisa Drennon: Yeah, and that makes complete sense and connecting with the right people. I was talking to someone earlier about a coach that they had hired and they were very disappointed and they were sharing their opinion with me and I was like, okay. And they said some choice names about this coach and I was like, okay, you're obviously not happy with a coach. Why didn't you know that beforehand? So what are some signs that people can look or to know that they're making the right choices, especially when it comes to hiring a coach for their business. Sam: Really funny actually, because my business coach was talking about this the other day. I don't know if I can swear on this podcast, but she was saying, ⁓ she was saying basically, there are people out there that are there, we all need to make money, but there are people that take advantage of you when you're in a vulnerable state and their intention is purely to make money. So when you're in a highly emotional state, stop. Lisa Drennon: You Sam: before you make a decision. Take a breath, get some advice before you invest in a coaching program that promises to solve all of your problems, costs you a fortune, make sure it is what it is gonna be. So if you think about that kind of mind-body-spirit alignment, does this feel right in my head? Does this feel right in my gut? But remember, when we're in a heightened stress state, we go into flight or flight mode. Lisa Drennon: Hmm. Sam: So we cannot think rationally when we're highly stressed. So don't make big decisions when you're in a highly stressed state. Stop, breathe, get advice, ask different people, get reviews, do your homework, and make sure what they're offering is actually either what you need and they're gonna deliver on what they're offering, or is it a right fit? Is there a way out if it isn't a Can you do a trial session with them? Can you, you know, but my biggest thing is when you're in that really heightened state, it will impair your judgment. And my other big one is making decisions out of never ends well. So you want to stop, you want to look at the whole situation. If you are too deep in it yourself, ask for help, get support from someone you trust because... ⁓ Our judgment is impaired when we are in that highly emotional state and it is not the time to be making big life decisions. But if you do make a mistake or, you know, don't punish yourself for it either because we can't change that. What I what I like to do when I kind of go through life because I've made lots of mistakes in my life is I stop. What was I meant to learn from it? What what do I need to change in my life so I don't make this mistake again? Is this a component of me that I need to heal? Lisa Drennon: Hmm. Thank Sam: Because I usually need to learn lessons more than once and I tend to learn them the hard way. I don't tend to do it the easy way, Lisa. So, you know, I've had lots of times in my life where I have been brought to my knees in agony. But now I find I can turn it around much quicker. I don't need things to be as challenging. have a beautiful man in my life who is my responsible adult and he calls me on things and says, stop, don't do this. Because sometimes we all put everybody else's needs before our own. So having someone in your corner that can actually give you permission to put your needs first is really powerful too. Lisa Drennon: Yeah, absolutely, that was such beautiful advice and I know our listeners are gonna really glean from that and it's so important to stop and ask yourself like, is this? And don't make that on demand decision. Don't let somebody else pressure you into something if you need to take time. And then really be conscious of the language that they're using afterwards. I was talking to someone yesterday and they were saying like, how they end a sales call was, it's okay if I'm not a good fit. I want you to make the best choice for yourself. You know, we're not here to make money. We're here to make an impact. And I liked that. liked how, because I know a lot of our listeners are afraid to sell their offers. They get to the point where I don't know if this is value, how do I explain the value? And they go into that freeze mode where it's like, well, I'm not going to sell my offer because I don't know how to explain. explain or express the value. So whatever the dollar amount is, if you don't know the value of it and you don't believe in that value, it's going to be very challenging to sell. And then we think we go after shiny objects. ⁓ well, I need support doing this. So I'm going to hire a coach and they're going to tell me exactly how to make money. No, because if you don't believe in your service or your product, it doesn't matter who you hire. It's never going to sell. You have to believe in what you offer and know that you have. you're gifted with the gifts and talents to be able to deliver the result that your clients want. But knowing what your clients want is so important because I think a lot of times we just make it about ourselves. And then we go into this loop of I'm not good enough and we have imposter syndrome and then we start to self-sabotage and we break it down. And when you think about the steps that you shared, they're so powerful because it just asks ourselves to stop and think. And then, okay, how do I feel about this? And yeah, I need a timeout. I need to just think about this and do the research. I always tell my clients, listen, go out and interview two or three people, see how you feel, watch what they're doing, because whatever they're doing, they're going to teach you to do the same thing when it comes to marketing and such. And, you know, even like as a, you know, wealth activator, I have a certain mythology that I teach my clients. This is how you multiply your money. And it's combination of things that I've learned over the 30 plus years that I've been in the industry. And not everyone agrees with it. And it's like, well, if you don't agree with it, if you can't do it, then you shouldn't hire me because you're going to have a really hard time implementing this plan if you don't agree with it. And I remember working with Sam: I that's a really, sorry, I was just gonna say that's a really valid point as well. Not everybody are our people. Not everybody's meant to work with us. And that's okay too. And that's another one where you go, when you're a little bit sure of yourself and comfortable with what you offer and what you want and what you deliver, you're able to know if someone's not a good fit for you. And that serves everybody because they're not gonna get the results that you want and you are gonna have such a struggle. It's gonna be a nightmare working with them. Lisa Drennon: Yeah. Right. Sam: and knowing that you're actually allowed to say no to clients that don't fit your work either. So when I work with people, I say, take what you like and leave the rest. Because I don't pretend to know all the answers. It's got to be their journey, their lives, what they want. I'll go on with my life no matter what happens with them. Doesn't mean I don't care and I don't want the best for them. But we all have to do the work for ourselves. So if it's not a good fit, it's not going to work. Lisa Drennon: Right. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Exactly. And that's so important to know because, you know, when you're looking to hire somebody, you know, do you want a mentor or do you want to coach? You know, and a lot of people don't even know the difference. A mentor is going to share their stories and how they got to where they are. A coach is going to give you the steps to do that. And it's like, what do I need? And knowing what you need is really important to make money and to be happy with yourself. Because at the end of the day, if you're not celebrating what you've accomplished and you're beating yourself up thinking, oh man, I'm not doing it. I didn't make any money. How can I do things, you know? ⁓ What am I doing wrong? That's the wrong language. That's the language that's going to keep you in that cycle of stuck and feeling like a victim and feeling self-sabotage. So thank you so much for sharing all of your expertise in those three beautiful points. I know ⁓ our audiences really can hone in on that. So for those of you listening, hit that little rewind button and just write those down and start to implement it. before you make any investments, whether it's in a relationship, a coach, if you're investing in a product or a service, really ask yourself those questions. So Sam, tell our audience what's the best way to connect with you. Sam: So ⁓ my website is an absolute evolution at the moment. So depending on when this podcast goes live, it may not have everything that I want, but my website is www.samebelwhite.com.au. So ⁓ very soon I'll be having information about my programs launching. I also have an email, sam at samebelwhite.com.au and I'm on Facebook and Instagram, SamEbelWhiteSS. ⁓ So those are places you can reach out. Feel free to ask me questions. ⁓ I'm more than happy to share information if you'd like information about my work and my programs. I am moving my focus to online, which means for all of you lovely people that aren't in Australia, ⁓ we can still work together. And because I'm so grateful for Lisa and Lisa and I are working on some bits and pieces on the side around money. But as my way of saying thank you to her and this community, ⁓ I will be offering a discount on my programs. If you mention I date with money, ⁓ I date money, sorry. And let me know, I'll sort of set that up because I'm still working on it. But much like myself, I'm a work in progress. My business and my website and my socials are also a work in progress. So please be patient with me, but reach out and we can work something out. Lisa Drennon: I love that. That's awesome. Well, thank you so much for your generous offer. So you guys heard it. In the show notes, you can find that. You're going to visit those websites, Connect with Sam on social media. You're really looking for someone that can help you connect with yourself first so that you can connect with others because this is where overflow, this is where confidence with money, with yourself, with others comes into play. It starts with you because you are your best asset. And so when you mentioned iDate money, when you connect with Sam, You're going to get a bonus. You're going to get a lovely, beautiful discount on whatever it is that she has to offer. And you're like, I love group program. I'm going to be offering a group program very soon. And I know all of you are like, ⁓ I don't want to do group coaching with money and stuff. But the collaboration, the energy of groups are so amazing. And we're here to support one another. so I like to say, don't knock something until you try it. You have to open up your mind and think of the collective energy. Because remember, it doesn't matter how much money you have, it's what you do with it.